Cruisin’ to Losin’ – The curious case of Cole Hamels

Unflappable to unfathomable. How else to describe the stunning transformation of Cole Hamels, arguably one of the game’s better young pitchers? After another mind-numbing display of immaturity and stupidity, the Phillies find themselves in a hole for the first time in two post-seasons. Whether the hole is too deep remains to be seen. What is clearly no longer in question is Mr. Hamels needs to grow up.

Sure, the 3-2 pitch to Texiera MIGHT have been strike 3, it was close, but it did not warrant a melt down of epic proportions. Suddenly Hamels forgot everything he’d been doing well to that point. Pound A-Roid inside became leave a fastball out over the plate, a fastball overthrown in the remnants of the growing tantrum. The Republican’s year-long hissy fit over Obama’s election has nothing on a Hamels’ whine fest.

The stupidity came an inning later, when inexplicably Hamels began lobbing lame-assed curve balls at Nick Swisher, a lame-assed hitter buried in a deep slump. Nick the Dick should send Hamels a gift certificate to Baby Gap, a reward for the slop of the hanging curve ball that ended the slump and so much more.

Under “lesson NOT learned” (or maybe: “Thank you, may we have another?”) Hamels followed a great strikeout and a chance to see his way out of the inning by slopping up another curve ball – HIS THIRD BEST PITCH – and turning Andy Pettitte into an imitation of a DH. The end came after a lazy walk to Jeter and a dagger of a line drive double by Damon. A game that began with promise, promise that looked even better with a 3-0 cushion, suddenly smelled of rotting garbage.

The grossest smell, however, is that of the stench of Hamels’ effort, not just last night but all season. More so than any Brad Lidge blown save, the supposed Ace being a Joker is inexcusable. The seemingly unflappable psyche displayed in his first two years has devolved into something seen on Sweet Sixteen, with Cole playing the part of the angry bitch who is crying because she ONLY got a BMW.

But then again, that’s what spoiled brats often give you… much ado about nothing. Cole Hamels gave the Phillies too much ado and a lot of nothing this year, especially last night.

Can you spank a grown man?